Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
