My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
