Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
