He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
