He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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