My nipple is on Facebook.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
my being single is dangerous.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
