I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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