I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
