Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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