you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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