He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
