but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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