last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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