I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
