i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
