You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
