guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize