I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
