the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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