Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Success! We fucked roommates!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
