If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
