I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
