i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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