that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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