wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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