last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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