im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
