And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
