Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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