Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
