I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
