and you said cock pushups were impossible
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
