Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
