Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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