did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
