I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
