This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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