shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
