No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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