she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo