Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.