You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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