My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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