Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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