If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
