Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
