Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
