if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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