girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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