hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
