We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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