Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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