I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
ttyl tear gas
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
