i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
