oh and then you called a time out with your penis
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
