I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
