here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
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Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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