I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
