i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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