Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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