We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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