he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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