It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
